The Worst Casualty

This morning I received an e-mail from a former colleague/teacher of mine letting me know he shared my resume with a contact at a communications agency in Chicago. Though the agency isn't hiring, the woman would like to meet with me. Knowing me and my weaknesses pretty well, he shared a few helpful tips including: type-os and grammar-os ain't gonna fly with this woman, and, I should be ready to candidly assess my skills and lack thereof. Simple enough.

Naturally, one would think I sat down immediately to set up a meeting, right? Not this time. I was terrified. I suddenly began to think of all the reasons someone at a premier agency would scoff at my qualifications and chuckle at my ambitions. The delusional day-terrors then moved on to seeing myself send this woman an e-mail seasoned with glaring errors and in the end having her ask my colleague "Why did you waste my time?" As I reflected on my experience meeting people and applying to positions over the past few months, I noticed the virtual stack of rejections in my head growing. From there I moved on to the reasons people didn't hire me, perhaps why some shouldn't hire me, and then really started to feel stupid, incapable and utterly lame.

Now, if you read here often, or at all, you may notice I tend towards the upbeat most of the time, and I am all about make the best of my situation (hello, last post on recess?). However, at some point in everyone's laid off experience I think they come to realize just how badly their sense of "work self" is damaged. Logically, even intrinsically, I know I am a capable, talented worker, but lately, I read job posts and think: "Nope, they wouldn't hire me. Nope, can't do that. Nope. Nope. Nope." Or, like today, I am paralyzed with fear when an opportunity presents itself.

I have read that shrinks around the country are seeing a huge uptick in the number of patients coming in with lay off-related problems (at least their profession is benefiting from a double-digit jobless rate). It's not hard to understand why: if you pride yourself on the work you do and the talents you posses, what happens when you are told none of what you bring to the table, YOU in fact, aren't needed anymore? That's a mind cluster, kids.

I believe you feel the hit hardest the first month ALO. But also during that time, you are so uber-motivated, so fresh, so convinced your next gig is just a phone call and Google search away. What is hard now, almost three months out, is that when these feelings of doubt about your work-self creep in, you have to pull raw power from all other bits of yourself, because often times, adding fuel to the fire is a pile of rejections. I just noticed I used the pronoun "you," when very clearly, this is me I am talking about.

So there, it's out. I am terrified. Terrified I've lost my touch, terrified my brain has withered, terrified that people who meet me will be able to tell in just a second or two that my talents are dilapidated. I am terrified that the great job I had was a fluke and I'm not going to get that lucky this next time around.

And just like that, the roller coaster descends.